i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..