for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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