My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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