this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
