Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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