May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
