God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
