he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
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I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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