I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
