my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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