The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We got so high we made milksteak
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
