found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
