Pregnant stripper...not hot.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
