I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
