Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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