Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
