but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
