Sry I called you an 8
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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