So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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