Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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