i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
