I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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