cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
