Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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