Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
