No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
