here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
