I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
