Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize