I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
