dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
