glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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