Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
