I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
