You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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