K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
