when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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