Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
