so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
