I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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