Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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