theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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