The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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