Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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