My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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