my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
