Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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