The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
