Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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