I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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