And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.