She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun