You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
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My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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