I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
