Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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